What I look like today (Believe me I do smile and don't look
as scary via lack of light)
Learn to fly by the Foo Fighters. Best song on my Recovery
Playlist that sums up what at least to me recovery from ED has felt like so far
Wow this is the major ice breaker my introduction that
introduces me to the readers. I’ll start off with by telling you my name which
is Lindsee and I survived my own battle with type 1 acute anorexia. I know when the first time I read and heard
of how my type of anorexia I had made me instantly think how this sounded more
like a description of a certain type of
diabetes instead of an eating disorder and have been in recovery for
about 3 years now. I guess first obvious fact we all already know and aware of
is that this page has one main focus and that’s on the topic and area of
recovery. Rather it’s from an eating disorder, any other type and form of
mental illness or to addiction and alcoholism, even from forms of trauma like
sexual assault, domestic violence or any type of abuse. I’ll give each of them
equal amount of attention. Mostly, I’ll be focusing on recovery from my battle
with an eating disorder and from being in a verbal, psychological abusive
relationship.
What mostly is the reason behind writing this blog is a form
in which I could continue my own recovery process and be able to help others
through talking about my own experience even give a better understanding about
what it’s been like living with this fatal mental illness. What a lot of people
also don’t know about me unless you had been told by me is that I also have a
mild form spectrum of Autism called Asperger’s. I was formally diagnosed when I
was 18 and that has presented itself as a challenge as well growing up. Oddly enough, the Asperger’s itself has been
far kinder to me even a bit helpful when it comes to where I get my colorful
creativity from than the eating disorder has. There had been times where I
hated the fact that I had this, but now have grown use to it, and can accept and
live with it. At times it does seem a bit awkward, but I got to admit those
random times something unexpected blurts out of my mouth, will have you
guessing what I might say or think next. I’m not boring that’s a pretty good
way of summing it up, might be a bit quiet at first, but as I get to know you
better, I often do open up and will speak more.
Sometimes you just need to get me warmed up and bear with me.
I have worked in retail for about 12 years. Been at my
current job at TJ Maxx for 11 years most
of the length I have had my eating disorder, before that at Kohl’s and my first
job was at McDonald’s, which my eating disorder (ED synonym often used as a
reference to the eating disorder identity, voice) had loved. Neither one of
these job environments are exactly safe let alone made easy for anyone
suffering or going through the illness itself or in certain early stages of
recovery to be working in. I’ve somehow worked it into coping methods used
within my recovery, it’s also giving me a much better understanding of how
future clients going through this ordeal may be thinking or feeling on a day to
day basis. Right now, I’m on the end where I myself am a client in recovery as
well as a student. I’m currently about to enter my senior year of college for
an Associate’s degree in Human Services than transfer that into a BA for
Behavior Science and wrap it up with getting a Master’s degree in Clinical
Mental Health Counseling. Other than working with eating disorder and related
type issue clients, I also want to work with AIDS/HIV, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, and
Transgendered clients, Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, Trauma, and Human
Trafficking victims. Somewhere I’ll also squeeze in getting certification for
Drug and alcohol counseling since this also plays some major complicated facets
of eating disorders. Also find time to get a miner degree in Gender studies and
Domestic violence. Oh and let’s toss in write a book about my illness and
recovery along with a few movie scripts and win an Oscar, get to work with various
celebrities in charities and do everything that’s on my ED Bucket List.
I mostly want to use
these degrees as a way to find or create a form of a therapeutic approach that
could be used to help male clients since there are hardly any types of properly
trained therapists who have any idea how they should deal with a male client’s
therapy treatment because most of the techniques are feminine based. Oddly
enough Psychology was founded by a man Sigmund Freud, but taken over by the
feminine type approach. Hell, there’s hardly any designated acknowledged public
programs that focus on male victims of
Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, Human Trafficking, all mostly are focused on
women and girl victims so can you blame me for
being a little ticked off and wanting to be a modern day woman who
should be out help ruling the world? I apparently had a purpose as to why I was
spared and where I am today and I know that I’m never going to feel bored or
experience burn out if I am kept busy with various areas of cliental, I’ll also
be kept busy which at times is considered to be a good thing.
This blog all I can
say just tells anyone straight out as it is from the source itself, the eating
disorder about what it really is. I first came across this letter last year
when I discovered a website from another person recovering from her own battle
with ED named Rae Smith. I'm not claiming this part of the blog as my own, but
giving her the right deserved credit and here also is her website I recommend
giving it a visit whenever you do have the time. http://theloveyourselfchallenge.tumblr.com/
I have found her page to have given me some positive messages and support at
times when I have needed it and have even saved some of her positive saying
pictures on my other laptop.
The Letter
from ED can be found here
http://theloveyourselfchallenge.tumblr.com/post/4405381510/a-letter-from-your-eating-disorder.
You might have noticed that I also included two links with songs in it as well
that is also on my Recovery playlist by Alice Cooper called Poison and by Laura
Branigan called Self- control. What I want you to do is while you read this
letter, listen to both of the songs play
it over a few times if you want to and really like pay attention to the words.
In my next post I'll share my letter that I had written to ED.
A letter from your eating disorder….
Hello my name is Anorexia or Bulimia (take your pick),
People who invite me into their lives think they chose me
but in reality I chose them. I am ruthless and as soon as you give me the
chance to enter into your life I will make you miserable. I control you, I am
your master and I will make it extremely difficult for you to kick me out of
your life. I make you think that I am your best friend and the only one who
understands you but that is only so you let me stay in your life long enough
for me to take it. There is nothing special about you, you are just the host
for my infliction of desolation and despair on your own life. Some people
invite me into their lives and some don’t give me the time of day. I just keep
on going person to person looking for my next victim. Once I am done with you I
will move on to the next person. I am ruthless, I do not care about you and I
am not your friend. I am the worst of the worst and the scum of the earth, I am
anorexia, I am bulimia.
P.S. You should probably try to kill me before I do kill you.
Sincerely, your worst nightmare
Here's my letter back to the letter from the eating
disorder. I'll give everyone a head's up warning, I may swear a lot because
well one I have about 15 years of pent up anger and resentment towards the
eating disorder, so far I've only made up for about 3 years and also because
when we start recovery for any type of ED we talk to the ED identity and treat
it like it were a real person. I used 4 different songs and weaved their lyrics
into my letter which were from the Backstreet Boys and Theory of a deadman.
Just might have added a few twists via a few colorful words not originally used
in the lyrics.
Don't want you back
10,000 promises
Not for me
So happy
Then again, Nick
Carter might not mind, he's giving me a run for my money in use of the F word
in tweets, I would know because he started to follow me on Twitter. Like to
thank him just took me donating about $260 dollars, $150 of that $260 came out
of my college tuition account, just don't tell him that since he's dream of
making a movie is getting closer to his grasp but I at least am sort of
acknowledged that I am alive.
And being so kind I
provided lyric videos of each song when it was used in that particular location
of the letter. So they could be played and can be shown how they relate to my
exact thoughts and feelings that I was going through while I was starting what
is referred to as the breaking up with or divorce process with ED. In my case,
it feels like I was part of Ted Bundy's last freaking three ring circus act
where I got manipulated into a courtroom trial marriage with him, now through
divorce procedure while one is on death row, is still trying to drive me insane
oh and did I mentions till trying to tack attempts on me even as it's execution
date and day looms closer and closer. Yeah just your average regular plot for a
true crime novel written by Anne Rule who ironically did know Bundy and wrote
the book Stranger beside me.
Dear ED, (Ana,
Mia, Bin, Type unknown I really don't give a fuck who you claim to be), I
fucking hate you, and have grown to hate you even more over the past three
years, so much that my hatred is strong enough to be considered a desired level
of homicide rage and it’s fully directed at you. That’s right, you heard me
right, I’m going to eventually kill you, you didn’t think that when I read that
letter from you that I'd take the suggestion you given that I should probably
kill you first before you killed me seriously. Apparently I did and I plan to
enjoy every moment of it with no guilt since it’s the only homicide I'll be
able to commit and get away with and never be charged with and tried in the
court of law. Don’t even say that’s not even fair when you damn well know that
you tried, almost killed me three times and failed on each try so why did you
fail are you now infuriated that you failed and couldn't permanently shut me
up? What did you assume was going to happen, that after fifteen years of
suffering through this personal hell, abusive type relationship, I'd just put
up with it and would remain weak and submissive and hopefully not discover
recovery?
Unfortunately for
you, I somehow did find someway to stumble directly towards recovery’s path and
helped back up onto my feet. I have no regrets whatsoever of what happened on
January 13, 2010 at 6:30 PM, that was the night we
begin to part ways, the night you begin to officially lose control over me
because I just served you not only divorce papers that started the divorce
proceedings, but a non-expiable set in stone restraining order as well. Your
worst nightmare happened, you slowly lost what power and control you had over
me.
You can keep
lying with the same excuse over and over again that I need you in order to
succeed and be happy in life, but I beg to differ, I think it’s you who needs
me in order to live and thrive and a body to suck the life out of as well guess
what, you've permanently been evicted from my body and cast out like a demon in
an exorcism. You just had to bring “The Exorcist” into this didn't you? But
then again that demon in the movie is like your idol because you're just like
that demon you're a liar all you do is lie will lie to confuse us. But will
also mix lies with the truth to attack anyone. Your method of attack is
psychological, and powerful. So what did I end up doing and shouldn't have I
listened to you. I should have avoided having or letting you have conversations
with me in the first place. It was a setup for your so-called death traps.
The Backstreet
Boys have given me the perfect lyrics and words to describe my next thought of
what I and everyone else you intend to hit faster than a shark attack should
think and know the truth about you. But
how you fooled me, I'm still amazed ED. But I should have known that I would be
another victim of your poisonous deceits. But now we're done and over with
don't want you back cause you're no good for me, I know that's all I can say
don't want you back forgive my brutal honesty but you gotta go I don't want you
back.
You started going
out with so-called friends my need for Perfectionism, Pleasing, Distorted Body
Issues, and Low Self-Esteem. But I was blind and so I lost all common sense.
But there were things that made me realize. Like all the hundred no, thousand
lies. What about you’re ten thousand promises that you gave to me? Your ten
thousand promises that you promised me? But time after time all the promises
turned out to be all lies. Now I see
you're just something who wasted all my time and money what a lie you and I.
You say I'll take you back, But I close the effing door cause I don't want ten
thousand more.
You said that it was
normal for all twelve year old girls to be on a diet or even to hate their own
physical appearance right after getting breasts and their periods with a bit of
extra body padding, I dieted it failed you lied to me, it was part of one of
your web of lies that you use to trap me into your little game. You told me if
I lost weight in junior high that Steve Landry would then like me the Slim Fast
diet should do the trick and now I understand why young teen girls shouldn't
even be drinking that shit in the first place, and the same for any other guy,
be the only way I’d ever land a date. This is what caused me to end up in a
verbal, psychological abusive relationship and right into the start of a
frenemy relationship with a bitch I’m sure you know very well named Ana. You
used this same bullshit line on me ten years ago and made me blow probably one
of my only opportunities I ever had to go approach Nick Carter that he wouldn't
give me five minutes of time for a picture and an autograph in the Pereira,
Illinois airport. Oh I am still kicking my ass over that and feel that I can’t
apologize enough to him or the rest of the group because you made me believe a
lie that because of my appearance they would never be nice to me, but secretly
pity me because of my fucking weight and for being a lousy fan and not really
enjoy any of the five shows I have seen them at because each one of them you
were there. When in fact all five of em in a way probably were there for me in
some way throughout most of this form of an abusive, submissive slavery type of
hell. Now that I come to think of it, you even in a way used Nick against me
last year through his own pain, grief, and loss
as a pawn that almost made me relapse. You really don't care about
anyone but you own conceited self and
just love using anyone’s pain through loss and trauma even as a potential
starting base cause to gain entry into their own life fuck you to hell ED!
First concert, you
nearly killed me because you made me believe the lie that if I took a certain
brand of diet pills, I'll become thin and the fat would fall off. Know why my fucking hatred towards you is
growing and getting stronger with each paragraph that I write it’s because you
have and made my parents be pawns in your sick, twisted game without realizing
it. Guess what much to your own disappointment and my moment of gloating it in
your face, I don't blame either of them for what the hell happened and you had
put me through. You told me it was okay
to convince my dad to go and buy me Slim Fast and the moment I had him wrapped
around my finger I was doing a good job. You made me con my own mom into taking
me to the mall to buy the death trap. You overlooked and failed to tell me the
little bit of information that one ingredient used in these so-called diet
pills would possibly kill me as it raised my blood pressure through the roof,
increased mothereffer migraines, cause my heart to pound so hard against my own
rib cage and cause a possible heart attack or brain aneurism, but keep me up
most of the night while I slowly lost my mind, nearly burned up and hated the
bitchy person they turned me into. You caused me to believe my binging and
quickly inhaling whole big ass sized pizzas and a large litter bottle of soda
would make me feel better, when you in fact it only made me feel worse and like
shit. Same with taking and using more diet pills on and off along with
Diuretics God you made me fucking sick is it any wonder why I fucking hate you
so much?
I can't still
believe how you sunk so low and used a stuck up assed than sixteen-year old
co-worker to call me fat and lazy directly in my face and caused me to nearly
severely restrict and really let Ana have her field day by further enabling me
with the belief that if I lost weight and was thin than all my problems would
be solved. That if I were a certain clothing size my whole world would be
complete and I believed that hype and wasted eighteen years of my life chasing
obsessively after that dream. When I finally got there, it was not even worth
that hype and was such a letdown because I wasn't happy, you weren't satisfied
and wanted me to lose more. You never are satisfied all you want let alone know
how to do is complain and take. Hell, even when I finally did lose all that
weight, my problems weren’t solved, I only gained more and they worsened into
my worst nightmare, apparently to you I wasn't thin enough, and you let Ana
come back into my life when it came to restriction of certain foods. You
enjoyed all the attention and comments that customers made and still make when
it comes to my appearance how they wish they had my will power. Yeah you would
have liked that wouldn’t you not only did they temporarily enable you it gave
you a good laugh that no one really believed me because I physically didn't
look sick outside when you knew I was.
You nearly killed me again at the last Backstreet Boys
concert I attended. I almost passed out cold in Atlantic City, oh yeah I’m sure
you are enjoying the fact I am graveling and endlessly apologizing to this amazing group of guys for being a lousy fan
for the shit you've caused. At least this time I'm not lying or fooling myself
by making excuses for you or for my behavior when it in fact is all you’re damn
fault. The next concert of theirs that I attend, I can promise you and them
that you won’t be an uninvited guest who tagged along, by then you'll be gone
for good. I'll fully mentally be there having fun and enjoying myself. I likely
won't need to get back stage or an emergency room waking up and regaining
consciousness with all five members standing around me from nearly passing out
as the cause of an eating disorder as the way in how I get to meet them. Passing
out cold is not an attractive look for me, but embarrassing as hell.
This obsession you had created and pushed on me for the
ideal body and thinness has not only nearly killed me three times, but forced
me to pay you a great price which consisted of robbing me from being a normal
teenager, most of my twenties, being forced to drop out of college a few
credits short of the degree, racked up a high ass therapy bill in about a year
and half’s time and coercion of my choice of free will rather or not I could or
would ever have children. You coerced me
into having some nonphysical form of an abortion that took away my ability that
has left my reproductive system permanently barren. Thanks for the unwanted
form of psycho genetic bio birth control, I feel so miserable that you yet took
another part of my famine identity from me.
I so can't wait until you finally just die and go to hell.
I had enough of your talk, your games and it won't go away.
Justify my reasons to stay. Things will never be the same again with you cause
if you think that it's the way that this, should be well let me tell you it's
not for me. ED, don't bother telling me your reasons why just let AJ, Brian,
Howie, Kevin, and Nick sing this story 'bout you and I. Don't want you back
That's all I know don't want you back.
All I can say don't want you back you know you gotta go.
I now know the truth, and whatever regurgitated and recycled
lie you even try and whisper in my ear is useless don't you have anything
better to say instead of saying the same shit over and over it’s getting old. I
do owe you thanks for one thing though, I now know what you sound like, your
every move and lie that you say and do in my future client’s head and thoughts
and that can be used to my own advantage against you and I will make you hate
me and be your own living hell. Do you effing hate me yet ED? Go right ahead I
already fucking hate you, and can't wait to destroy you and enjoy every moment
of it. Want to know what the hell I am thinking right now? Well too bad if you
don't because I’m going to tell you rather you want to hear it or not I’m
making you listen to me right now I’m the one who has the power and control.
This time Theory of a Deadman has sang the perfect words for what I want to say
and express. Three years ago did you ever wonder like just once in awhile what
I've been thinking about? I've been thinking about throwing you out. And when I
did how I felt is that when I did is that I'm so happy how about you. Oh wait
you mean that you’re not I really don't give a damn now do I? I'm fed up with
you ED, so get up, and get out. I'm so happy now we're through, I'm fed up, so
get up, and get out. I was so afraid, now you've gone away. Sent you packing,
look who's laughing now. I'm so happy that I feel this way. I'm so happy that I
threw you away. Just like the effing piece of shit that you are and should be
treated.
As long as I am thriving, alive and recovering I’ll make
sure that you will never have a claim as the cause that snubbed a future client
or anyone else of their own life, freedom and identity and from a form of
personal hell. I can battle you until I breathe my last breath I don’t give up
easily but then again you already know how stubborn I am. Your execution date
is getting closer and closer I’m so excited to flip that switch and permanently
shut your lights down dead. Die ED Die!!!!
This is my recovery blog. I'm currently 3 years into recovery after a 15 year battle with an eating disorder and currently a student getting an associate's degree in Human Services from there be a BA in Behavior Sciences and a Master's in Clinical mental Health counseling.
